Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Satan's Little Helper review

Satan's Little Helper
how a deranged kid and his demonic BFF destroyed a town 
and my obsession with Katheryne Winnick began

You know that one movie you bought because the cover looks just awesome, and when you watch it turns out to be a bad acted b-movie with a cheap story? Yeah, me too, love every second of it.
Satan's little helper is just that, it ain’t too old, it's gory, it's funny, what can I say? It’s an awesome and interesting B-movie. Directed by Jeff Lieberman (yeah, never heard of him either) in 2004,  this movie is the perfect Halloween themed entertainment for pretty much anyone,  giving they don't have the sense of humor of a brick (apologies to Kirsten Steward).

The story of this movie is pretty interesting for a horror flick, well, to be honest a good story is pretty much the only thing this movie has going for, ok, except for another thing but we'll get to the medieval hotty hotness later. The main character of this story is Dougie, a kid who is obsessed with the game 'Satan’s little helper', a crappy flash game that the creators of the movie spend maybe less than five minutes animating with f8ing office paint. Anyway, the main idea of the game is to help Satan kill as many people as possible,  yeah, that sounds...healthy. whatever happened to the good old days when games were about saving a princess from a mutated turtle or getting it on with a hooker in your stolen car, killing her with your bare fists take back your money and buy a flamethrower to burn the innocents to ashes until you had six stars and they had to bring the f8cking army to stop you...yeah I know, I have issues.
Anyway, Dougie's sister, Jenna AKA miss mc-hotty comes back from college to spend Halloween with her little brother and brings along her boyfriend Alex, and since Dougie's pretty possessive of his sister he gets pretty pissed off and runs off to 'find Satan'. He does not find Satan unfortunately but he does find a psychopath dressed as Satan who places the bodies of his victims as Halloween decoration. Dougie begs if he can be his little helper, thinking the guy is actually the Satan from his game. They both then go on an epic quest to murder the whole f8ing town, and they do a pretty good job at it actually. It is only when Dougie realize it all is real and that it's not a joke that he starts to panic (and seriously, how could he have thought it was a joke? Satan literally stabbed a dude in front of him, that's gotta be the best prank ever. Bite your heart out Ashton Kutcher).
So little Dougie runs off home and try to stop his deranged psychopath BFF from killing his family and what is left of the town.

Katheryn Winnick playing Dougie's sister, Jena.
It’s one of those movies where they had a pretty good concept but also unfortunately the everlasting curse of the poor budget. After ten minutes in the movie I seriously started to wonder whether I would watch it or turn it off lying to myself I did my best. But after a while it got better, well not the acting, that was still horrible, really, really horrible. But later on in the movie I found myself enjoying this movie, quite a lot actually. Ok maybe the fact that Dougie’s sister Jenna decided to wear a skin thigh corset that really that really showed her (Ehm) acting skills throughout the rest of the movie really helped me loving the hell out of this, but still.
The problem i do have with this movie however, is the kid who plays Dougie. My god, I mean really...I've seen some bad actors in my days, I've also seen child actors, and believe me when I say that this kid is one of the worse I’ve ever seen.  Not one emotion is rightly timed or believable. Everything that comes out of the kid’s mouth makes you want to shove a pair of scissors in your ears. I guess a lot can be blamed on the writers, some of the lines are just plain stupid, but the kids inability to act beyond the level of ‘third grade play’ makes this movie pretty hard to watch at times. And someone tell him he is allowed to close his mouth
between lines, I honestly believe that he is incapable to breathe through his nose, either that or the kid’s retarded and I’m going to hell for making fun of his handicap. But either way, I don’t think I’ve seen him with his mouth close for a single frame in this movie, dammit kid, you ain’t trying to catch flies, close that thing every once in a while.
There are some parts of this movie that are so out of place that it instantly makes it hilarious for all the wrong reasons, the biggest example is probably the ‘friendship’ between the kid and Satan,  if you would edit it a bit you could change this into a kid’s friendly movie about a boy and his best friend Satan shopping, walking through the park, playing in parking lots with shopping carts, all it needs is a bit of music really XD.
The biggest problem I have with this movie apart from the horrible acting and the poor budget is the big message they try to send, “Videogames are bad and make people accept violence! Praise the lord Jesus Christ and not Satan and all that bulls8t”, yeah, because before videogames there were absolutely no psycho’s, tell that to Ed Gain, someone who probably hasn’t seen a TV in his whole life, but I’m getting off topic here.
The whole movie everybody seems to be obsessed with this game, Dougie’s mother is having a blast, Jenna’s boy-toy is trying to beat the high score, and even some potheads outside find the game and play it like Paris Hilton at a coke party. Let me just say that apparently Jeff Lieberman is not a gamer, and knows nothing of that subject.  And I know I go on about this detail a bit too much but it was something that bothered me throughout the whole movie really, propaganding us proud gamers like a bunch of slow sadistic rejects of society, now if you don’t mind I got to wrap this review up, two more hookers and I get an achievement, whohoo, flamethrower.

Things I’ve learned from ‘Satan’s little helper’:
- Satan’s a pretty cool guy, until you tell him he can’t rape your sister of course
- Drinking beer at a party? Try bleach, now that’s my kind of party.
- The police’s IQ in a horror movie has never been so low
- Everybody in this town is retarded, I’m not joking
- Who needs acting skills when you’ve got a cleavage? :D

Personal rating: 7/10

Critical rating: 5/10

Monday, July 29, 2013

Killer Pussy review

Killer Pussy
How is this... i don't even...
Why Japan, why??

Well, some things just can’t be avoided. Like saying we’ll quickly check our email and we end up hours after hours looking at cat videos on YouTube, or having a blog about cheap cult classics and not end up in this certain part of questionable entertainment, so  we all knew this day would come, the day when I decide to review a porno
Although saying watching ‘Killer Pussy’ is like watching porn is like saying that watching ‘The Room’ is watching drama. If anyone actually finds this remotely arousing  then I will seriously start to question human kind as a species. Watching Japanese chicks trying to turn us on in a porno is like watching a guy with no limbs trying to get back in his wheelchair, it’s pretty funny at first, and then it just becomes painful and awkward to sit through.
But I’m exaggerating when I use that the term ‘porn’. To be fair, there’s more porn in your everyday Slasher than in this little confused horror/comedy from 2004, but since it’s from Japan, you know things are gonna get weird.

Ok, not sure if this movie even got a plot, but I’ll try to make some sort of sense of it.
Five friends go for some unknown reason in the woods when their car breaks down, and find refuge in an abandoned bunker or something.  So our “heroes”,  and since I can’t be bothered to learn their names I’ll just call them Moe desu chick, busty, whimpy, creeper and third wheel, decide to do some exploring but quickly decide to abandon that plan once the find the liquor cabinet.
One of those dumbasses strays away from the group however and gets attacked (and since it’s Japan you know that means rape) by a lesbian milf who was frozen in quarantine because she is carrying a deadly and hilarious parasite in her cooch. Before you can say ‘tentacle’ the parasite finds a new home and goes on a rampage on the group of now drunk and horny friends with its new c8ckhungry host.

First 25 minutes are boring soft-core failing  attempt to get a reaction in our pants, but then sh8t gets real as the castration and the mayhem starts, gotta love the “chomp” sound effect when a d8ck gets bitten off by the killer vagina.
Yeah, told you it would get weird. But the weirdest thing about this movie is just how ridiculously incredible it is. It’s so hard to look away with all this random sh8t that gets thrown your way. I can’t believe I have to say it, but I would recommend checking it out, only for the lols and giggles.
It’s so rare that a thing appears that is so bad in every way possible, that it has to be seen to be believed. I honestly couldn’t stop laughing my a88 off during this entire movie. The acting, the story, the effects, the editing, the props, everything is just so hypnotizingly bad that it’s a masterpiece in its own rights. It’s just amazing that we live in a world where you can find a movie about a woman with teeth in her privates and goes around hunting for d8cks.
Japan, you baffle me once again, but sincerely from the rest of the world, please lay off the acid for a while, okay?

What can be learned from watching "Killer pussy":

- Japan is weird as f8ck
- All of your problems can be solved with a lesbian mud fight, although why is the mud so red…OH GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVEN...???!!
- Even the actors knew this porno was sh8t, they rather fap to random porn magazine they  found in an abandon building.
- Ok, I can’t believe I have to say this but no movie, no matter what the subject is, should have a scene shot from the point of view of a woman’s cooch, ok? Cinematography 101 people, no one want’s that, there aren’t people who wake up in the morning and say: ”gee, I wonder what it would be like to be a vagina”
- How to take tea bagging to a whole new level

Personal rating: 0,5/10
 (AKA so bad it's gold)

Critical rating: 2/10

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Braindead/Dead-Alive Review

Braindead / Dead-Alive:
A.K.A No such thing as 'too much gore'

What happens when you mix gore, zombies, Peter Jackson and more gore? The answer: the new-Zeeland movie from 1992 BrainDead (or 'dead-alive' in northern America for legal reason apparently). This movie is without a doubt the goriest movie ever made, and I’m not even kidding. Don’t believe me? Well go judge for yourself, one thing is certain, it won’t be a waste of your time.

The plot resolve around Lionel, a shy young man who lives alone with his mother as only companion. His mother is a bit …well let’s just say she wins the b8tch mother of the year award hands down 0_0 she’s the closest thing that resemble everything anyone ever said about their mothers in their angsty teen years. So Lionel finally meets a woman who is obsessed with him because her Voodoo big mamma told her that Lionel will be her soul mate. Of course, shy boy’s mother isn’t quite happy with the idea that her only son is going away with another woman, so she’ll try anything to stop them. What’s that? How can this be the gore mother lode of a movie I promised? Oh trust me, that’s just the beginning. The mother gets bitten by one the ugliest motherf8ing rat that ever roamed the earth and slowly turns into a zombie, that’s when the movie starts getting good. Instead of just killing her, our hero decide to keep her in his basement, and feed her like he used to when she was alive, but of course more people get infected and his basement becomes one big happy pile-up zombie hotel, all that until they finally escape and the gore meter meets it’s much anticipated climax. There is also a sub-plot throughout the movie with Lionel's uncle being a giant A-hole and how he tries to get Lionel's house to sell it or something trough blackmail.

Like I said, its gore at its finest, if Evil Dead, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Re-animator would have a re-re love child, it still would feel like watching the Teletubbies compared to this masterpiece. I mean, how many movies have you heard of that gave airplanes puke-bags to the guests at the cinemas? But the movie can have its flaws for some who don't like waiting and a slow setting of the story in motion. For a zombie movie, it's pretty slow at the beginning. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but it does feel like a romantic comedy at first if you ignore the awesome opening scene where a guy gets chopped to bits. The special effects are pretty sweet too, the rat is animated with stop-motion and the zombies looks awesome and you can tell the makers had a sh8tload of fun coming up with new ideas for the zombies. Oh yeah, and here's another thing that rocks about this movie: in most zombie movies, the Romero rules state that to kill a zombie you either destroy the brain or remove the head. Well, those zombies are more like the ones from Return Of The Living Dead but less smarter. In other words, the zombies are pretty much indestructible, if you cut off a arm it still would try to get you, both the arm and rest of the zombie. There is as example one zombie that gets cut in two at the waist, both the legs and the torso go their own way, and later on the guts goes on without the torso and crawls all over the place strangling people, and that's just one of many example showing how creative the writers got with the undead.

So yeah, if you ever get your hands on this movie, grab a few friends, a puke bag and enjoy, you won't regret it. Good story, awesome effects, great comedy, lovable characters and a ton of gore, good one Peter Jackson.

And here are a few things I’ve learned from this movie:
- How to make zombie soup...oh god why???
- Don't f8ck around with priests, because they (quote): Kicke aaars for tha lhooord!
- Zombies can have babies apparently, and they are a b8tch to baby-sit
- lawnmower strapped to your chest = Epic Carnage :D

Personal rating: 8/10

Critical rating: 7/10

Saturday, July 27, 2013

The Blob 1958 review

The Blob 1958
Or: how a pink pudding ate my neighbor

For anyone who can get over the ridiculous title they might find a really entertaining movie with ‘The Blob’. Released in 1958, this movie was (and still is) praised for its amazing advance as far as the special effects goes. And I must say that it looks pretty awesome for anyone who can appreciate an old movie that isn’t pumped with CGI crap.

The story takes place in a typical small town, when suddenly out of nowhere an f8ing meteorite falls down from the skies into the woods, an old man is lucky enough to finds it and all hell breaks loose. Turns out that inside the meteorite lives a small alien that looks like a pink pudding with a serious eating disorder. The alien attacks the old man by attaching himself to his arm and eats him away slowly, and I mean really slowly, like half the movie slowly. Steve McQueen (cleverly named Steve Andrews in this movie, sure fooled me) and his girlfriend just so happen to drive around looking for the same meteorite, they end up taking the old man to the doctor. After that, the Blob breaks loose and gets a serious case of the munchies. With every person it eats it grows in size and ends up being humongous, and there is no way to stop it. Shooting doesn’t seem to do anything, and since it doesn’t have a form, it can squeeze itself everywhere. Steve tries to warn the police, but they don’t believe him, and neither do his parents, a basic scenario that will repeat itself often in later movies throughout the years.

It’s your basic ‘Monster on the loose’ movie, and a good one at that. Only problem I have with it is that it’s SO. DAMN.SLOW, and you only see the monster every once in a while. It’s definitely based more on the characters and their hopelessness to warn anyone rather than the Blob itself, which is somewhat of a letdown. Another thing that annoys the living f8ck out of me is the fact that running appears to be frigging optional, the blob moves so slow, it makes the Romero’s zombies look like Kenyans, and still they can’t outrun the damn thing.

So yeah, overall a nice movie, very slow and outdated but still enjoyable, and honestly, how can you hate a movie that has such a catchy theme song?

Things ‘The Blob’ can teach us:

- Don’t let your little brother, who is probably on the slow side, ‘Guard’ your parents, he’ll do a horrible job. And above all, try to tell them that soothing at a 20 foot booger from outer space with a plastic gun isn’t the best way to protect the earth -_-
- Driving backwards was a way to prove your male dominance upon your friends back in the days, seriously, how the hell did our species survives this long??

Personal rating: 6/10

Critical rating: 6.5/10

Friday, July 26, 2013

The Evil Dead 1981 review

The Evil Dead
Aka: the power of the chin compels you. 

Yes, it would be nearly impossible to start a reviewing blog about cult classics and B movies and not start with this amazing classic. Originally a small project launched by Sam Raimi, his brother Ted Raimi and his best friend Bruce Campbell. This low budget cheap thrill would change the face of horror for many years to come. No one on the set would ever think that what was originally called “The Woods” would become such a hit. but before we continue to talk about what made this movie so famous, let’s take a look at the plot.

Five friends decide that it would be a ‘groovy’ idea to spend a weekend in an abandon cabin in the woods (yes, that’s where Joss Whedon’s movie got the name). a creepy cabin, a group of friend, a big and dark wood surrounding the place, what could go wrong? Well, I don’t know, how about reading some lines from a demonic book, call some demons to possess your friends and turn them into green slime spitting monsters that want to eat your soul? Yup, sounds like the right thing to do.

And the rest of the movie holds no surprise, it’s all about the survival the group and the defense of the cabin from the demons and trees that have seen far too much Japanese entertainment.Thankfully, the group have a hero in their midst, we call him ‘the chin’, ‘El chino’ or simply, Bruce Campbell…who is kind of a wimp in this movie but will totally kick massive ass in the sequels. 
'The Chin'

So yeah, you heard this story before, and you’ll hear it again. Modern movies use this tale all the time and other movies even use it for laughs. And with good reasons, The Evil Dead was one of the first and definitely the most famous to use this plot that now seems cliché. But where this movie really shines, is in the atmosphere. The creeping feeling of the possessed friends and the eerie dark woods makes you feel isolated and scared.
For me, this movie shines in the acting and the effects. Sure, nowadays it can be laughable, but think of this as a movie with almost no budget that managed to scare the world for a few years. And I dare you not to find Linda creepy as hell as she just sits in the hall chuckling to herself while all hell breaks loose around them.
But…if I really can be honest, I’m not really a fan of this one. Now hold your pitchforks and torches at bay folks, I don’t say it’s a bad movie, hell, it made a significant change in the entire movie industry and was groundbreaking for its time. But I’m just not a fan of THIS particular evil dead, the reason is probably for the special place in my heart I hold for the sequel, and because it’s the weakest in the series for me. Bruce Campbell’s character Ash wasn’t as refined as he was in the rest of the series and there are too many scenes that make me roll my eyes, yes, I’m especially talking about ‘that one scene’.So like I said, good movie, but if you want to have yourself a little Evil Dead marathon, I don’t blame ya for skipping that one, hell, the entire movie is remade in the first seven minutes of the second one, and much better in my opinion.

 Things Evil dead can teach us:
- When something is written in Latin in a book made of flesh with a creepy face on it, in the middle of the woods, and you still decides to read it out loud, then yup, you deserve to die, Darwin’s law kids, Darwin’s law…
 - Hide yo kids, hide yo wifes, hide yo husbands cuz we got a rapist in these woods, here's a hint: it IS the woods
- Demons are made of clay and daylight seems to melt them...lolwhut?
- The original is not always better that the sequel

Personal rating:

Critical rating:

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Grimmbreak Reviews: Welcome fellow fans

 The more gore the better, welcome to the amazing and confusing world of the B-movies horror flicks.

Let me be your host, as we travel through the tons of gore, cheapest practical effects and the worse acting mankind has to offer. It’s time to leave your dignity behind and laugh when zombies start dancing in the rain to an overrated song and crazy fish people look to sacrifice some random hot blond to an ancient deity, all while we fight the cheap scares and the random distraction boobs thrown on the screen in hope we won’t see the cable holding that possessed demonic girl. See, told you it’ll get weird, don’t say I didn’t warn ya. Feel free to check the reviews, both the written ones and the videos by yours truly.Be sure to check out “ ” for more B-horror randomness

Now, I’m sure you’re all confused and scared as you came to this awesome blog, but fear not! Ok, maybe just a little. But I shall relieve you from you’re confusion by answering the question that keeps you awake at night: 

What is them rei-viuu them crazy folks be talking bout? 

Glad you asked, random stereotype voice only I seem able to hear. A review is an analysis of a certain piece, where the best and the worse are being brought to light for a better understanding of the media. Of course, it doesn’t hurt to bash something as much as possible for the maximum amount of fun. 

What is a B movie? 

Movies that don’t make it to the A list for their often poor quality or bad/disturbing/immoral premise. Those often don’t get a lot of financial support and are shot in the cheapest of ways, and the producers round up a cast of friends or whatever they could scrape from the bottom of the barrel to act in their projects. There are obviously some exceptions, like for example some movie that sounded good on paper, and did get a lot of financial aid, but the director or actors, or someone out there f8cked up royally, and the movie remains as a bad memory or as a guilty pleasure in most of our memory. Oh, and we’ll also review hilariously horrible exploitation movies and some grindhouse. 

Now I know what you’re all asking, and no, you’re not dreaming, this amazing and awesome blog really exist to save you from the melancholy and boredom of the everyday life, but what you also should have asked is: why would anyone want to watch these kind of movies and why bother reviewing it? Well, that’s simple. These movies are beyond awesome, there is a charm to practical effects and there is just so much to love with these movies. Sure, they ain’t perfect, but that’s what makes them so great. Most of the movies are what you can call a “cult movie”, which means that a small, but determined fandom exist for it. And even though lately these fandom have expanded immensely with the growing popularity of b-horror movies, I still feel these masterpieces don’t really get the attention they deserve. 

The f*ck r u?? 

Good question my illiterate friend, good question indeed. Who am I? why I am just you’re friendly neighborhood critic. I am the pen in the night, the voice in the protest against bad remakes and random nudity that doesn’t add anything to the movie but only decrease its value. I am Grimmbreak.
Or…at least I would be if I wasn’t some guy sitting behind his computer b*tching about movies. But hey, perspectives, right?But all kidding aside, I’m a movie lover, especially B-horror. I’m also a gamer and a geek who calls himself an critic, although all my experience comes from watching movies, I didn’t spend years studying cinematography and criticism or anything, I’m just a guy with a hobby, and I’m proud of it, who needs smart people anyway?