Saturday, August 31, 2013

SexyKiller 2008 Review

Psychotic crazy chick and zombies, sure, why the hell not?

Imagine watching a police drama, ‘Dawn Of The Dead’ and ‘The Simple Life’ at the same time while reading a Deadpool comic, and all that with a nonstop loop of the song “I’m a Barbie Girl” By Aqua blasting in the background at full volume.
Yup, that’s pretty much the experience of watching ‘Sexy Killer’ in a nutshell.
This little Spanish movie from 2008 was brought to us by Miguel Martí (Don’t worry, you’re not supposed to know who it is).
And damn, why aren’t there more movies like that?

Meet Barbara: a psychotic college airhead that constantly breaks the forth wall by speaking directly into the camera and explain exactly why she is going to murder that one chick for wearing an outfit that she was so gonna maybe buy…ish.
Her life consist of trying out multiple outfits and killing pervs and anyone who annoys her, such as slutty classmates and horny teachers. Unfortunately her less than subtle murders seem to have caught the attention of the police, and two coroners and science students, who have managed to create a machine that can read the mind, even of the early departed. It would be only ironic that one of the two scientist falls in love with our favorite nail-polished sociopath and is mistaken himself by her as a fellow psychopath, with him being unobvious of the whole situation.
Little does Barbara known that the mind reading machine also seems to have some necromantic side effects, and soon, all her previous victims rise from the grave to take revenge and nom on all the brains they come across, and where else to do that but the Halloween fiesta?

What can I say? I loved this movie. Barbara is one of the most entertaining characters I’ve seen in a long time, and her ass kicking skills propels the plot forward at rocket speed, even if sometime the chronology can be confusing. A good chunk of the movie is told by Barbara to a guy she is torturing for running over her poodle ‘Jason’(yes, that’s a reference). She tells him, and thus us as well, how this whole ordeal came to be.
I gotta say, this has to be one of the most colorful dark comedy I’ve seen in a while. Everything to Barbara telling us how to asphyxiate some guy like she was on a cooking program, to a ‘House Of The Dead’ish climax with “The Bird Is The Word” song from family guy playing in the background.
This whole movie reminded me a lot of Suda 51’s ‘Lollypop Chainsaw’, if Julie would be a psychotic b8tch. Colorful and over the top while being self-aware and funny as hell.
There’s also a very “Re-Animator”esk subplot with the love interest and his friend playing around with the possibilities of playing god. The best part is when the love interest accidentally raise the first zombie and is then forced to raise the others in hope he will uncover the identity of their killer, quickly having to explain to his ex-classmates why they are dead. The zombies are very self-consent with what is happening to them and are even able to talk like regular people, for a while…then they just become your everyday rotting corps in search of brains.
The main focus of the first half of this movie is mainly Barbara slaughtering left and right, wondering why Leonardo Dicaprio had to die at the end of ‘Titanic’ while drowning a classmate, and the police trying to uncover the identity of the killer.
The second half is more a epic showdown between Barbara and her revived victims, which opens for more than enough hilarious and kick ass scenes.
The humor overall really reminded me of the likes of “Lesbian Vampire Killers” and even “Shaun Of The Dead” at times, I can’t say I’ve seen many Spanish movies, but if the comedy is as good as in “SexyKiller”, I might have to check it out.

The only downsides I can come up with is that since this movie didn’t do great at the box office, I don’t expect a dubbed version anytime soon. Also the effects are pretty sh8t at times, but that only adds to the B-movie glory that is this great movie. And all is forgiven to a movie that refers to ‘Evil Dead’ in its final act. Although I gotta ask, is she called Barbara as an homage to the main character from the original Zombie movie ‘Night Of The Living Dead’ or am I just overthinking it?
Definitely recommending this one folks, great time guaranteed.

Things I’ve learned from ‘SexyKiller’:
- Zombies make the best BFF’s
- How to lose weight as a psychopath, for example, biting someone’s ear off burns 120 calories
- Chainsaws aren’t as useful as one would think in a zombie outbreak, I mean, it takes around ten minutes to get it to work, at least according to this movie.
- The amount of B-movies references in this movie is too damn high

[Special Award]
Earliest nude scene: 28 seconds (including opening credits)

Personal rating: 8.5/10

Critical rating: 7/10

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Evil Dead 2 Review

Evil Dead 2
The return of the Chin

Well, it seems I’ve been digging through the garbage lately. Sure, there were exceptions here and there, but I do feel it’s about time we review not only a movie I truly love, but also one of the most acclaimed and celebrated B-movie of all times, ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Sam Raimi’s opus magnum: Evil Dead 2, Dead by dawn.

Yes, I too used to be a child, and like most children, I didn’t know what made a good movie good and vice versa. My experience was based on what little I’ve heard in the broken down village in the Alps where I lived, where good color TV’s were rare and good movies were even harder to find. Mind you, it was the late nineties back then, and even though there was gold to be found out there, my life was held back by the great technological gap that filled the world I lived in. every once in a while my cousin would tell me of a movie she heard of about a man with claws that came in the dreams of children, and sometime I would see a poster of the new Jaws hanging on the side of a building. My taste in music, movies, and even people came from what was expected of me, of what other people saw as fitting. It was an innocent time perhaps, where we would sit in my aunt’s living room every Friday night and watch a weekly episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, back when it was still airing.
So it was to my delight when my cousin came in laughing and saying “You have to see this” as she held a VHS that looked so amazing my little brain almost exploded. We sat down and watched as she laughed and commented on how bad it was, the poor little thing didn’t know that in my corner, I was completely and utterly ignoring her, gazing in front of me at the screen that was flashing before my eyes. I hadn’t seen anything like it ever, she laughed and joked as my perception changed and I finally developed an opinion. Once it was all over and she finally stopped laughing, I looked at her and said “I liked it”. She tried to reason with me, telling me the effects were pure crap, the acting wasn’t even on par with the play her little brother had done at her school two weeks ago, but I couldn’t care less, I had found something I liked and I didn’t care what anyone had to say. And from that day on, I learned to see the world from a different view, from the view of a man who wasn’t afraid of the monsters under his bed because he had a chainsaw in the one hand, and campy one liners in the other.
There are very few works that have influenced my view on things the way this movie has,
Watchmen,Mozart’s Kyrie Eleison, the second Silent Hill, the work of Francis Bacon, and Sam Raimi’s masterpiece is no different. It came to me when it was most needed and left its mark on me as a reason not to be afraid of who I am and to be proud of my opinion.
You might say that Evil dead 2 gave way to my passion for B-horror movies, but it would be closer to the truth to say it gave way to my passion to films altogether.

But enough stalling, let’s get to reviewing:

Evil dead 2, subtitled Dead by dawn, produced in 1987 as a sequel to the first Evil dead, that by now, had made a reputation for itself in the underworld of the cult classics. Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell knew that they wouldn’t top the eerie atmosphere that they had set up in the first, and that trying to recreate it would only end in another disappointing sequel that would fade from the memories. So they tried something else, one of the most dangerous moves to pull off in any horror movie, focusing on the humor.
At that time it was either do or break, the fans would be in an outrage that the legacy of their first real scare would be turned into a cheap laugh, but they took the dive anyway.
Saying it paid off is one way of saying it, another would be that at first it didn’t, but eventually, the crowd went wild and the movie became the flag carrier for all upcoming B-movies to come, and with psychotic Ash ‘The chin’ as it’s captain, the movie carried on with a fanbase like no other.
It’s rare to find a movie that draws the line so thin between hilarious out of place slapstick comedy and brutal violence and horror. But Evil Dead 2 is one of those few that not only pulls it off, but master it to the point of being an example to all campy B-horrors movies that came after it.
The definition of manliness

The confusing thing about the evil dead saga’s storyline, is that Evil dead 2 can either be seen as a sequel, a remake or both. The first seven minutes of the movie recreate the events of the original Evil dead from 1981, but with only Ash and his girlfriend Linda, who becomes possessed and is killed by Ash in a desperate moment. From then on Ash gets attacked by an unseen force and then the movie concludes the events of the original. After that, Ash tries desperately to fend off the demons waiting to nom on his soul, and his own growing insanity and guilt from killing Linda, who doesn’t seem to want to stay dead. This is however quickly solved by a very touching scene, and by touching I mean chainsaw induced madness that literally overflows the screen.
But as Ash slowly loses his fight and his body slowly but certainly becomes possessed, the daughter of the original owner of the cabin waltz in with her boyfriend sized ken doll, a set of bad teeth and tree rape victim #2.
And together they fight off the demons of the night as Ash undergoes a moral metamorphosis from scared everyday best buy employee to sawed off shotgun wielding chainsaw hand first class badass.

Do I need to say more? Why are you still reading this? go watch it, now, and if you already seen it, go watch it again dammit.
This movie is one of the great, the Michelangelo of B-movies, the Darwin of its time, misunderstood by most, but only because they didn’t understand what stood before them.
On the technical side, it was made on the budget of a wheel of cheese and two cents. So of course you can see the cable holding Sam Raimi’s brother hanging in the air dressed as an old demonic granny. And you can see most of the crew running in the background, and you know they rewinded the footage of the fog coming out of the ground, and that the make up on demonic Ash is as believable as your uncle pretending to be Santa, and asking you to sit on his lap, when you’re 21…
Yes, yes I know it’s not top notch but dammit, I wouldn’t have it any other way. The cabin isn’t just a set, it’s a place where legends were born, and the one liners will be used in distant civilization as words of prophets when they uncover our broken cities, bombed to hell by our own stupidity and frustration that we probably never will recreate the feeling we feel deep inside our hearths when watching Evil Dead 2.

Go watch this movie.

Personal Rating: 9.9/10

Critical Rating: 8/10

What I’ve learned from Evil Dead 2:
- Pretty much everything I know
- How to man up to my fears
- How losing a hand isn’t always a bad thing
- The meaning of “When the wall will start bleeding”
- Bruce Campbell is made for 70 percent testosterones, the other 30 percent are pure, raw and unlimited badass

Monday, August 26, 2013

Cannibal! the musical review

Cannibal! The musical
Because why the F*&^not?

How to turn a real life tragedy in a goofy comedy movie from 1993? Have the crew of South Park do it of course, and while we at it, let’s turn it into a musical, because f*^& you moral sense, you can’t tell us what to do!
Yes, this little masterpiece really exist, and yes, it’s also based on a true, gruesome story, and yes, I should be offended, but somehow, I’m ok with this, it’s not like they had a rapping dog in it at least (I’m looking at you Titanic)

So what is this movie really about and why do I believe it’s pure genius?
Well, let’s see, the story tell the quest of six miners in the 1890 something, in search for Colorado.
Unfortunately for them, their guide is more pre-occupied with his strange and possible illegal relation with his horse rather than their destination or their safety. Along the way they sing, do a ballet rehearsal and meet Japanese 4e-wall-breaking Indians and other randomness.
But after a while, the food runs out and they are left with very little options, they have to resort to cannibalism, and yes, it’s all done in songs that will make you go “is that Mr Garrison or Cartman??”

Yes, if you couldn’t tell already, I really enjoyed this movie. The humor and style really reminded me the likes of “Dracula, dead and loving it”, you know, in a time where the market for comedy wasn’t owned by Adam Sandler and failed attempts to recreate the first Scary Movie.
This movie had me laughing from the very first scene, where the cannibal runs around biting people, ripping arms off and beating others over the head with it, at least you can’t blame it for not being straightforward. There where large chunks where nothing really happened but there was always an hilarious scene around the corner. The humor, both dialogue and physical where spot on, exactly what to expect from the South Park team.
My advice? Give it a watch. Its definitely a classic and a must-watch for all the South Park fans out there. All I’m hoping for now is “South Park does a Hindenburg chrismas”, and extra points everywhere if they make it a goddamn musical.

Personal rating: 8,5

Critical rating: 7

What I've learned from Cannibal! the musical:

- I’m never going to Wyoming.
- Nobody wants butt meat
- No musical should go without an epic cowbell solo
- This movie would makes for a great drinking game, called: Spot the alien

Saturday, August 17, 2013

The Giant Spider Invasion 1975 review

The Giant Spider Invasion
 or: "The Mist" zero budget

Ok, here’s what you need to make a monster movie:
- City model that you can wreak
- Forgettable character except for that one a88hole who’ll die in a horrible an hilarious way
- A f8ing monster

How do mess this up??monster movies are one of the easiest things to shoot, just have a guy in a suit throw a tandem tantrum in the model city you made out of cardboard boxes, have the characters have a little line of dialogue every once in a while trying to explain the existence of said monster, and BAM, instant classic.
I really want to like ‘The Giant Spider Invasion’, I really do. It’s a cult classic, the effects are hilarious and who doesn’t love giant spiders? But no matter how hard I try, I just can’t find a shred of love for it in my heart for this movie that I can only call as fail and damn shame on the whole ‘monster movie’ genre. But I’m getting ahead of myself, ‘what is this movie actually about’ you may ask?

Well, one day, for no reason other than ‘The plot demands it!’ (a very common motivator in most 1970s movies) a black hole decides to open in some nasty hillbilly’s pot field (now you might wonder why I said nasty, well, it can have something to do with the fact that the a88hole tries throughout the entire movie to get in his girlfriend’s younger and probably jailbaity sister’s panties)
As movie logic would have it, the entire earth doesn’t collapse upon itself from having the leftover of a dying star on its surface, but somehow creates a portal to somewhere else, and it’s not before long that the inhabitants of that other place decide to come and say hello to their new neighbors.

And thus begins the invasion of the giant spider…and you might see the first problem I have with this movie, the spider isn’t plural. Yup, an invasion can be carried out by a single individual, there goes a major selling point.
Although the spider isn’t entirely alone, it brought it’s pretty much completely harmless tarantula pets along. Their only purpose is to serve as minor inconvenience to the inhabitants of the town, or as foreshadowing of something bigger to come. And that brings us to our second problem with this movie. The first 40 minutes of this movie are the following:

- Stereotypical Americans having mind crushing painful dialogue.
- The harmless tarantulas (you know, the supposedly ‘fearful monsters’ of this movie) serving as mildly annoyance to the townsfolk, such as crawling up their legs with suspenseful music, only to be nonchalantly brushed off and stomped, or getting eaten by accident with no advance to the plot howsoever.
- Two idiots teaming up with the world’s friendliest sheriff to look for the black hole for 30 minutes while having tea and talking about scientific explanations that a five year old would come up with.
- Something about diamonds involving the spider eggs for some reason

Rule number one of monster movies, don’t try too hard to have a plot or character development, what people want to see in a monster movie is, and I know this might come over as a shock but, a f8ing monster.
If this movie would have been called ‘invasion of the mild incontinences’ then okay, I would have forgiven it for having one or two tarantulas crawling in the background of a scene. But it’s not the case, we want to see a giant spider the size of a car, not a “oh guess I won’t see that anytime soon in my garage but it’s still no real big deal” spider.
The real giant spider finally shows up at 38 minutes into the movie, in all its glory that would make the Halloween decorations look realistic. And then the movie finally becomes what it was meant to be: a giant spider eating people. It’s all we asked for, and it shouldn’t take a movie 40 minutes to deliver on its goddamn premise.
I guess it’s the same problem I had with ‘the Blob’, but at least the monster got out pretty fast and already a body count before the movie got to a grinding halt, and the dialogue was at least bearable, unlike this failure of a flick.
What I’m trying to say is that it gets better on the second half, but it doesn’t make up for its shallow and idiotic first half. Also, somehow this movie think it’s more spiritual than it actually is, it constantly drops a scene of a preacher screaming in our ears bible quotes for no apparent reason
I already said it, it doesn’t work it your not eating a Big Kahuna burger and rocking an afro.

But enough about the negatives, I guess the spider looks kinda cool, like one of these fake toy spiders but about 50 foot larger. It’s pretty hilarious seeing it walking in the background flaying it’s legs around like it just don’t care.
It’s pretty funny until the sheriff tries to stop the civilians from trying to kill the damn thing, and that’s apparently a bad thing? I get the whole aspect in which they put themselves in danger, but if your lazy ass ain’t gonna do it might as well be an angry mobs with guns? Ah well whatever, see if I care.

Final thought? Wasted potential at a great movie due to actually trying to have a story and suspense, points for trying I guess, but it shouldn’t take the first half of the movie to finally have some sort of payoff, or plot for that matter.

Things I learned from “The Giant Spider Invasion”
- A good movie title doesn’t make a good movie.
- Cars in Wisconsin explode when slightly tapped
- This movie really doesn’t help with the whole “Fat American stereotype”
- What to do when you run out of budget? Just scrap an ending that doesn’t make sense and that involves an incredible lucky shot and a whole lot of rewinding, and hope the audiance would already have left the theater at that point.

Personal rating: 5 / 10

Critical rating: 3.5 / 10

Monday, August 12, 2013

Teeth 2007 review

It's back...yup
The return of the killer snatch

Come on…?! Another one??Again with the killer vaginas?
Yes, it would seem there aren’t enough movies to scare us to death about the female genitals, after “Killer Pussy”, someone thought it would be a great idea to get an American version over the sea, that guy would be Mitchell Lichtenstein and said movie would be no other that the 2007 "Teeth", because F8ck it, there can never be enough movies about killer vaginas.
Although, unlike it’s Japanese cousin “Killer Pussy”, which was a straight up goofy comedy soft core porno ( see my review on that infamous little mess here: Killer Pussy Review), I can give “Teeth” the credit for actually trying to tell a good story, despite the fact that it’s at its hearth still somewhat of a comedy

The story revolve around Dawn, a nice little high school girl with somewhat of an unusual problem.
She has vowed abstinence with her group of Glee rejects, oh, and her snatch has a nasty case of the munchies, and given that the damn thing has a pretty good set of teeth, I’m fairly certain this movie’s gonna get interesting.
Why does she have a set of razor sharp teeth in her privates? It’s never really explained, although the constant shots of the huge nuclear reactors behind her house might mean something, who knows?
So Dawn goes on with her poor little abstinent life with constant temptations and advances from her creepy half-brother. Yes, it seems the premise is not the only thing that Teeth shares with its predecessor, they also have a character in common, seems that Creeper from killer pussy has a long lost brother in America, who knew? Not kidding, they’re practically the same guys character-wise, except that we spend more time with the brother to realize how much of a d8ck he is.

So, personal thoughts on this movie? Surprisingly I liked it. Yeah, go figure, me liking a movie about killer genitals, who knew?
But seriously, if you can put the ridiculousness of the premise behind you, you’ll find a pretty subtle and good comedy/horror. The pace was pretty good, except for the first few scenes that talked about god and purity and bla bla bla, we’ll get to that later, but for the rest, pretty good.
The characters were far less two-dimensional that I expected and had actually emotions and were able to emote them without having it feeling forced. A scene where the acting and the dialogue really amazed me was in the third act of the movie, after the father and the son had a fight and end up talking, the tension and the dialogue were there, and it is a hearth touching scene where the brother, instead of being a major d8ck like usual, actually opens up despite being in utter and complete control of the situation, and we get a creepy and honest revelation to why his character is so tormented inside. It’s pretty amazing if a movie can make me feel sorry, even for a microsecond, for such a despicable and cruel character as American Creeper.
But for all the good this movie does in the second and third act, my god was the first one a drag.
Preachy as hell, just enough to make you wonder whether they were parodying the whole ‘purity ring’ and all that religious nonsense or if they were serious. Here the thing though: I don’t have a problem with people who want to wait until the wedding to give in, hell, if it makes them happy, go for it, see if I care. However, this whole purity ring campaign bullcr8p and the religious aspect just manage to press the wrong buttons with me. And throughout the entire movie, Dawn never seems to get rid of her anti sex t-shirt, now granted, it’s pretty ironic given her condition. But the first act doesn’t focus on that how so ever. So it’s pretty easy to forget the whole ‘Killer in the pants’ thing and just watch two hyper religious teens giving each other lovely eyes and talking about how awesome god is and how evil sex is, which really drags on and on and on and on…
Thankfully the accidental castrations break in like trumpets to a fanfare to welcome the second act, but until then, useless teenage drama, the worse kind. What I’m trying to say with this, is that being abstinent and believing in god is like having a d8ck, it’s great to have one and it’s great to be proud of it, but please, don’t shove it in our face, k?
The editing is also really weird, I know it’s a weird thing to bring up in a movie about a killer box, but it was one of those few things that really bugged me with this movie. Some scenes would go nowhere and characters would show up at places at random without any explanations.
But with all this aside, great movie, although it could have been a little less graphic on the castrations in my opinion, I’ve seen BME Pain Olympics, and I must say that Teeth wasn’t far off. Pretty painful to watch at some points even, might I add (for a guy).

"Killer pussy" 's creeper's long lost brother

So here’s the big question, which is better? “Teeth” or “Killer Pussy”?
Well “Teeth” is a ok movie that I genuinely enjoyed about a girl trying to find a way to overcome her problem, “Killer pussy” was bat sh8t insane and had me laughing my ass off for all the wrong reasons.
So which is better? Teeth. Which is funnier? “Killer pussy”. Pick your poison. All I’m afraid of is when the darn things will learn to talk, now THAT will be terrifying…(Obvious foreshadowing is obvious)

Things I’ve learned from “Teeth”:

- America is weird as f8ck
- I never want to be a gynecologist, it’s like the ‘Killer vagina movie’ equivalent to a black guy in a horror movie…
- Both Japanese and American creepers got the same resolutions in both movie…weird
- The line between being a hero and being a d8ck is very thin.

Personal rating:

Critical rating:


Friday, August 9, 2013

Jack In The Box Review

Jack In The Box
‘Musical Chair Of Death’ , let’s hope they don’t try ‘Twister Of Torments’ next.

I’m not kidding, that’s actually a thing, you take a kids game, and with enough meth and absinth you can come up with a horror movie about that game. After such stupidities as ‘Battleship’ I really thought we had hit rock bottom when it comes to movie ideas, but nope, as always, I was wrong. People, I give you jigsaw’s version of the musical chairs: Jack In The Box.
Now, what has this 2008 horror movie to do with the title? A 30 seconds scene at the beginning of some woman who we’ll never see again giving her demonic child a jack in the box. Yup, that’s it, nothing else. So what is this movie really about? Musical chair! But wait, it’s musical chair from HELL!

Six unlucky wannabe actors find themselves stuck in a basement thinking they were going to an audition, with a dirty hobo who only talks in riddles an rhymes and seems to have lost his marbles. The six prisoners (who have the same name as their actors, that’s either genius or just laziness) quickly discover they are in the game of their lives when the music starts playing from a ‘Felix the cat’ clock on the wall and the hobo shows them that they have to play the musical chairs with him.  
The loser gets the consolation prize of slow agonizing death (joy) and it becomes a tension building horror as they wait for the music to play again.

With movies like these, where the protagonists are stuck the entire movie in the same room, the whole thing needs to rely heavily on dialogue. What’s the main problem with Jack In The Box? The dialogue isn’t that great. You can tell the writers were really trying, but they just weren’t that good. No character has an interesting story to tell. There wasn’t a single memorable line in this entire movie, ok except “someone’s gonna sh8t some splinters…”, that one was pretty hilarious, only for the fact that they actually try to make it sound badass. I won’t give this movie too much sh8t, because writing dialogue is one of the hardest things to do with a movie, let alone one where the dialogue is the only thing driving the movie. However, choosing to do so was still a stupid idea, points for trying, sure, but it doesn’t make the movie any better. It doesn’t help either that they killed off my favorite as second, still kind of pissed about that.
Although, one interesting aspect of this movie is that it is shot in real time…ish, kinda. Every ten minutes the creepy Felix clock decides to drop some sick beats and our unfortunate heroes have to dance for their lives, which means ten minutes of exposition every time someone gets offed, great….
It wouldn’t be so bad that the dialogue isn’t worth much if the actors would give it their all, which they really don’t. Most of them sound tired or like if they rather be in a much better movie
The story is a complete mess also, if you thought for even one second you’ll get answers at some point in this movie, then I’m sorry for you. The movie drops hints here and there of possible connections between the victims of the identity of their captor, but seems to quickly forget how to tell a story and goes back to pointless expositions about the characters backstories that has nothing to do with anything.
Yet…I don’t hate it.
I know, I know, it’s badly acted and the story is beyond stupid, not to mention it bit off way more than it could chew. But I still felt the need to keep watching to see who would survive. It’s no torture porn like Saw, there’s barely any blood in it, which is pretty interesting on its own.
So yeah, not a great movie by any means, stupid as hell premise, but it didn’t bore me and I didn’t hate it as much as I should have.

But seriously, what’s next? Spin the bottle and die? Hungry Hungry Psycho’s? Truth or death? BattleGhostShip? Tag with knives? What the hell guys?

Things I’ve learned from Jack in the Box:
- Next time a friend invites you to play scrabbles, bring a effin gun.
- When William White tries to sound angry, he totally goes Solid Snake on us.
- This isn’t really something I’ve learned, but why didn’t they just stay seated? I mean, one guy does it and he isn’t disqualified or anything, hell, he even survives that round. As for that matter, why did they give away a chair every time someone lost? It’s not like they have to, just push the hobo in a corner or knock his ass out, and stay seated with the six of you until the end. It just seemed kind of…you know, pointless?

Personal rating: 5.2

Critical rating: 4.5

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Teenage Caveman 2002 review

Teenage Caveman
There's not enough booze in the world to make me enjoy this movie...

Good god, just when you think you’ve seen the bottom of the barrel, the human stupidity just grows and spreads in the form of shameless, boring and above all, lazy pieces of feces that dares to call itself a movie. My point? Teenage Caveman, hearing that name already gives me a gag reflex.
Directed in 2002 by Larry Clark, who is mostly known for making shameless oversexed teenage drama’s. This straight to DVD sorry excuse for anything resembling a movie passed under everyone’s radar making it thankfully very obscure and pretty hard to find. Unfortunately I wasn’t lucky enough to ignore it and saw it one day in a store and looking at the cover I thought: “hey, this could be interesting”. It was only after having watched this creepy descend into a sick and disturbed pervert’s view on teenagers that I realized how god-awfully wrong I was.
How bad is it? Well, to be fair my hate probably comes more from the fact that I had high hopes after having seen the cover, which looked like one of those eighties/nineties goofy monster-on-the-loose movie about a caveman in modern times, kinda like the ‘Beer bad’ episode from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Unfortunately, my hopes were shattered in the very first minute of the movie. Wanna know what this movie is really about?

The story centers around a small group of teenagers in a post-apocalyptic world, why did they survive? How did the world end? Was there a nuclear war? We don’t know! dear ol’Larry didn’t think this was important or interesting enough to tell us, what do we get instead of an explanation? People living like caveman in tribes, oh wait, religious tribes! Even better, now the chief of the tribe can justify raping and pedophilia with the never failing argument “God wants it” Not kidding, that actually happens in like the first ten minutes, damn this movie is pissing me off already, and we haven’t even talked about the main ‘characters’.
So getting back on track, the son of the chief decides that he is sick and tired of this movie just as much as I am and murders his scumbag father and leaves with his retarded posy to find a new place to kick it. But the fellowship of degenerated idiots don’t get too far gets abducted by two new characters, let’s call them SluttyMcslut and Blondiecocain, who brings them to their lair located in the city where technology has advanced normally but the dress-code hasn’t. The group doesn’t have much time to marvel at the technology surrounding them that they realize their host’s intention: doing coke, sexing it up and party like it’s 1999. But after a while some of the group’s members start disappearing or blowing up for no reason whatsoever. They quickly realize that something is wrong but their hosts don’t seem to yield with their request to leave, and let them in on a little secret that is so stupid and forced that it will blow your mind.

If you couldn’t tell already, I really didn’t like this one. Maybe because the story makes no sense whatsoever, but mainly because this movie is just so boring… it’s written lazily, the acting’s horrendous and there is simply no quality to it. Don’t get me wrong, I like bad movies, hell, I love them. Movies like ‘The Room’ or even ‘Killer Pussy’ always amaze me with their badness and simple goofiness, however, I can’t stand it when a movie bores me. And that’s exactly what ‘Teenage Caveman’ did, it bored me to death, it really became a chore to sit through. Nothing happened for a good chunk of the movie, and when it did, it was so stupid that it just annoyed me.
The only redeeming factor to this entire movie might be Blondiecocain, played by Richard Hillman. The guy was having so much fun with the role it was hard not to chuckle every once in a while. The dude was quite literally munching the scenery (not kidding, at some point he actually does).
But was that Nicolas cage style of acting enough to save the movie? Hells no.
The effects are bad, the acting’s bad, the story is boring, there is an ridiculous amount of out-of-nowhere nudity that adds nothing to the movie except to prove my point that Larry Clark is a sick disturbed pervert, every technique that the movie throws at us in a feeble attempt to be ‘artsy’ fails horribly, everything I can think of makes this movie a huge waste of time.
The only reason I can think of why this movie had been made, is because it was originally meant to be a porno, but when they realized that most of their actors were underage they ended up with a soft core half-baked and lazy mess of a train wreck.
I honestly can’t recommend this movie to anyone, it’s a buried mess, and let’s hope that it stays that way. Stay away from this one folks, trust me.
Things Teenage caveman can teach us:
-It seems they still have punk rock in the future, unfortunately they also have idiots who sing along.
- An Emo wolverine would look pretty stupid.
- It is possible to actually become stupider by watching a movie, believe me, I had a hard time remembering my name after this mess.

Personal rating: 2/10

Critical rating: 3/10

Video review: