Thursday, September 19, 2013

Top 10 Favorite movies (5/1)


Did I already say that Tarantino was a freaking genius? Oh wait, I did? Well, it’s something worth repeating I guess, Tarantino is a freaking genius.
I guess it’s a bit cheating to pick these two at the same time but it’s virtually impossible for me to pick only one as a 5e place, so f8ck it, here’s my 5.5 and my 5.0. and besides, I already cheated with my number eight and no one complained about that one either.
Remember what I said about Tarantino’s writing skills when I talked about ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’? well, same story here, brilliant dialogue and multilayered characters.
Pulp Fiction, probably the more famous of the two, tells the tale of multiple characters who’s stories will cross paths. When a boxer fails to deliver his part in a fixed match, he finds himself on the run from a mob boss and his henchmen, all while one of the henchmen finds himself in a tricky situation as he is asked to take his boss’s wife on a date.
In Reservoir Dogs, a group of robbers try to get back together after a pseudo failed robbery at a jewelry store. Almost the entire movie is shot in the same room, and only leaves once or twice to tell some backstory. And my god, this is where Tarantino’s writing skills shines the brightest. I won’t give anything away apart from the fact that these two movies are something no one should miss.


What can I say that hasn’t been said about this movie? Apart from the fact that I have seen this movie so often I can recite the each spoken dialogue in the right order without any problems…in two languages.
A handful of people find themselves stuck on an amusement park island that hosts real live dinosaurs, and of course the things escape and carnage ensue.
This movie blew me away as a kid, hell, it blew everyone and everything away when it came out. The atmosphere, the effects, everything was way ahead of its time, it surprising that the effects look more realistic than any movie that has come out in the past ten years, and for a movie that is 20 years old…damn that’s saying a lot. Jurassic Park was my favorite movie as a kid, and it still holds a very special place in my hearth even today for having started my obsession with these beautiful reptiles ever since.


Yeah, how could these movies NOT be on a top ten favorite list? The adventure, the amazing world that is middle earth, the characters, the battles, simply everything.
An ancient evil awakens in Mordor as a simple hobbit must make a long and perilous journey to destroy an artifact that could change the outcome of the war if fallen in the wrong hands. With a fellowship of trusty friends and capable warriors, this tale refines the difference between good and evil, and gave us an epic as never seen before.
Yes, I believe this to be the best trilogy of movies ever made, and I’m ready to fight anyone over that opinion, bring it star wars geeks, JarJar Binks can testify.
These movies are the true definition of an epic, a long journey to save the world from an overwhelming evil, with many great battles to keep the tension up.
Tolkien based his books heavily on Norse mythology, something I have spent perhaps too much time studying  and that still amaze me each time I read about it, each story is definitely a recommendation, even if they are more than a thousand years old, at least it won’t put you to sleep like other old documentations of religious events.
What else is there to say about these movies apart that they are on my number 3 for very good reasons.

Yeah, we knew this one was coming. For those three or five people who have read my review on this little masterpiece of a B movie, they know how much I adore Evil Dead 2. It’s one of the only movie whereas you could ask me literally anytime if I wanted to watch it, that I would say yes ten times out of ten.
What makes this movie so great? How about the style, the acting, the effects, the dialogue, the humor, the horror, the sets and everything else that this movie does.
I have a very personal history with this movie, and it still entertains me after all these years, even more, it changed me as a person, which is something that not many things can do.
Ash finds himself with his girlfriend in a cabin in the middle of the woods when he decides to play a recording of demonic chanting, and as movie logic would have it, the demons see this as a BYOB party and wreck the place by possessing everything that moves, and even that doesn’t move. It’s however how Ash decides to deal with this that makes the movie so great, at first he loses his mind, and then decides he has had it with this sh8t and with a chainsaw in the one hand, and a boomstick in the other goes to town on those sorry hell spawns.
This movie made me the man I am today and I’ll be damned if it ain’t one of my favorite movie.
But wait, how could any movie possibly top Evil dead 2? The movie that influenced me the most and had no other than Bruce Campbell kick demonic ass like a boss? Well…

(Cemetery Man)

My all-time favorite movie, one who stands proud above all others. I first only saw a glimpse of this movie when my father and I were looking for a cheesy 80’s one-liners fest. I only caught a single scene, but that was all it took. I looked it up later on my own and I fell in love with it. I feel I can’t do it justice in such a short resume on a top 10, so I hereby promise that I will review it in all its glory in the future.
But in short, what is it about? Love, death, life and the insanity that comes along with it, what happens when you make a promise you can’t keep by throwing the word “forever” and how it can bite you back the ass, hard. Francesco Dellamorte is the groundkeeper at the Buffalore cemetery, his lonely life consist of putting the dead back to sleep when they decide to wake up, yes, this is a zombie movie.
But strangely enough the zombies are but an undertone of the movie, where the focus really shines is in our lovesick protagonist and his damned romance that begins in tragedy and ends in death.
To truly understand this movie you’ll have to watch it for yourself, and even then, the movie is so full of obstructed symbolism and themes that it will take more than a few views to get an idea of the true story that this tragedy tells. Like War Of The Roses, a huge aspect of the movie revolve around the slow decent into madness and the pain that comes from passion.
This movie is for me the perfection of the human art, to others it might seem like a very weird movie about zombies and some romance in the mix, and I respect that, but for me, it’s simply perfect.
The depth that this movie brings for someone who can truly see what lies beneath the surface is something that I truly admire and love with a passion beyond words.

Honorable mentions:
#16: Evil Dead 3: Army Of Darkness
#17: Merlin (1998)
#18: Constantine
#19: Serenity
#20:Sweeny Todd

Monday, September 16, 2013

Top 10 Favorite Movie (10/6)

Well, here’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a while.
As a self-proclaimed movie critic, it is only natural to ask what I believe are good movies. In my case, movies I like and movies I think are good are two completely different things, for example, is Birdemic a bad movie? Oh god beyond yes. Do I like it? Oh sweet mamma yes. Point made.
Then again there are also some movies that are considered masterpieces that I think are utter and complete waste of space, for example Moulin Rouge, according to most an Avant Guard masterpiece of the modern age that shone a light in the French underbelly trough Broadway musicals, my opinion? I’m still trying to get the severed heads of all the people that cooperated to create this abomination to put them on spikes in front of my house as a warning the next a88hat that wants to shoot the next “Great Gatsby”
Anyway where was I? oh yeah, top ten favorite movies, not the best ones, but my personal favorite, the kind of movie you could lock me up with in a basement for 40 days and enough food and water and I’d be all right. And before anything, and I know it’s a shock, but I haven’t seen all the movies ever created, so there’s a good chance your personal favorite isn’t in there.
So let’s begin my personal, chaotic and confused top 10 favorite movies of all time:

Here’s the story of what happens when everything goes wrong and how much you can hate someone you love.
Directed by Danny Devitto, this movie has one of my personal favorite subject ever put on film, the slow decent into madness. The idea that we constantly pushes our notion of right or wrong by giving in to the gray areas is simply amazing. How far we are willing to go sometimes can be as scary as fascinating. This dark comedy tells the story of the Roses, a supposedly perfect American family with a working husband and a wife who takes care of the children, all living in a beautiful house. On the surface, everything seems fine, but it slowly comes crumbling down around them as they start to hate and despise each other, at first like any argument between married couple, but as the movie goes on the hatred grows and the two start to go completely of the chart. Eventually going as far as turning the entire house in a battlefield, quite literally actually, going as far as trying to kill each other using almost comedic manners. The slow buildup of the relationship and the final result almost comes naturally, thanks to Devitto’s great storytelling. It doesn’t come as a surprise that the movie end in tragedy, thinking twice about it, the whole thing was a tragedy from the start, and a great one at that.

(or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb) 

Another dark comedy, starting to see a pattern here guys?
Although somewhat outdated according to some, this movie is in my opinion the greatest comedy of all times, why? Simply because the subject is none other than our own destruction.
Based in the cold war, an insane and paranoid colonel commands a squadron to bomb Russian ground with nuclear force. All that without the consent of the president, and with no way to communicate with the planes, the American government  is forced to stop them at all cost to prevent a nuclear Armageddon, even going as far as calling the Russians to warn them and to apologies. But wait, it gets even worse as the Russians admit to have a doomsday weapon capable to destroy all life on earth if Russia is under attack, and to top it all, the machine is commanded by a computer, meaning the Russians are unable to access it.
This movie is purely genius, the greatest comedy of all time, reflecting the hopelessness of the politicians and the Russian to change their fates, cleverly a reflection of the civilians of both countries during the cold war, also unable to reason with their own government in hope to stop them from destroying the world.
The humor is simply timeless and never fail to amuse, especially on such a dark subject as our own demise.


I’m allowed to dumb fun every once in a while, right? Ah whatever, I’m doing it anyway. Here’s Pitch Black and Riddick.
Here we come to what I said earlier when I said those movies don’t need to be perfect to be on this list. One of my favorite characters from all time, Riddick B Richard is an unstoppable killing machine with an attitude and a hearth of gold…ish…really rusty gold, am I still allowed to say bronze?
In the futuristic year of who-gives-a-f8ck, Riddick, experienced murderer and escapee of Butcher Bay, the universe’s toughest prison, find himself over the course of two whole movies chased by bounty hunters, Vampire aliens, weird roman symbolism with Nazi influents and other amazing and crazy foes. What really makes this movie is probably Riddick himself, and all his moral dilemmas and never ending dream to be left alone. Although Riddick can really make his namesake proud at some times, he is strangely reliable and easy to emphasize with, in a weird way that you wish you were as badass as him, what, just me?
Anyway, Riddick is enough of a badass to propel these movies to the number eight in my list. No further innuendos, symbolism or any of that sweet mumbo jumbo, just pure and raw manliness and testosterones all around.


Have I ever said Quentin Tarantino is a genius? No? well I should do it more often, Quentin Tarantino is a genius. What sets him apart from any other directors, besides his often eccentric subject and overall bat-sh8t-craziness, is mainly his ability to write good dialogue, you know, that thing that most other directors use as a shameless way to get expositions out of the way.
And of course most of his movies are heavily dialogue based, I mean, you’re not gonna let Picasso run for derby champion, your just gonna let him do what he does best, painting, or in Tarantino’s case, write amazing dialogue that I could listen to for hours upon hours.
Anyway, back on topic, From Dusk Till Dawn is a joined effort between the two friends, Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, that tells the story of two brothers on the run from the law, the one being a classy bank robber and the other a psychopathic nuttjob with very selective hearing. They kidnap a family to get across the Mexican border, where they find themselves trapped in a vampire infested bar called the TittyTwister.
Amazing dialogue, troubled and complicated multi-layered characters, campy practical effects and brutal bloodthirsty monsters that don’t sparkle? And above all, Tom Saviny rocking a d8ck pistol?
Did Christmas come early or what?


You know who else knows how to make good movies? The godd8mn Coen Brothers.
This movie has it all, a retelling of one of my favorite story in modern (ish) age.
Three harmless dumb inmates escape their prison and embark on a mission to find gold, all that in the setting of the harsh world that was the state of Mississippi in the 30’s. like many say, it’s the journey that makes a good story, not the treasure, and damn if this isn’t one of the most amazing journeys ever made on screen. Along the way our three doofusses meet a rich cast of characters and end up more than once in unexplainable situations.
The atmosphere that the movie bring to the table is rich and simply amazing, accompanied with 30’s blues and country songs this amazing comedy is more that deserving of the sixth place of my list

Before moving to the final five, I guess it’s time for some honorable mentions:
#11: American Beauty
#12: Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas
#13: American Psycho
#14: Bride of Frankenstein
#15: The Big Lebowsky

Check in next post for the Final 5

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Re-Animator 1985 Review

Lovecraftian shenanigans and other kinds of fun.

If you’re searching for good B-horror movie, the name ‘Re-Animator’ is certain to pop up, sure it ain’t as popular as ‘Evil Dead’ and not as gory as ‘Braindead/Dead-Alive’, but it respectably  stands proud on the top as a B movie you shouldn’t miss.
Directed in 1985, Re-Animator is an adaptation of from the novel of the same name by H.P Lovecraft.
For those who don’t know , I’m a huge Lovecraft fan, and I mean huge (just between us, I welcome our fishy overlords). The mythology, the dark symbolism, the perfect and rich writing, what’s not to love?
Just for those who don’t know, here’s a quick recap:
H.P Lovecraft was a writer in the earl 1900 who made a mediocre  living by writing scary stories for a newspaper. Unfortunately, like most geniuses, he wasn’t recognized for his talent until after his death. He was often called the Edgar Allan Poe of his time, his stories were often based on ancient deities that once ruled the earth that sometime came back to take their old kingdom which often ends in madness and chaos, with more than often it’s fair share of undead monstrosities and other nightmare fuel for weeks.
But is this movie faithful to the tale of Herbert West, the man who cheated death? Well, let’s take a look at the plot.

Herbert West, a talented and maybe a little eccentric neurologist scientist is just transferred to the University of Arkham (for all you Batman fans out there, that’s where the name came from) from Zurich, under questionable circumstances. He unfortunately drives his roommate Dan with him in his crazy theories that involves the resurrection of dead tissue. Dan, not being a complete idiot right off the bat decides to tell West to go to hell, but after some blackmail and an unfortunate instance involving a zombie Mr Whiskers, Dan finds himself helping West acquiring cadavers for his experiments.
West succeed to cheat death and with ideas of grandeur decides to test his serum further and in even more immoral ways, unfortunately, his plans are thwarted as a teacher catches wind of his little rehearsal of the Night Of The Living Dead and decides to put his plans to be a creepy horny old stalker toward Dan’s girlfriend on hold to stroll in the scene to steal the credit. This should be quickly solved seen as that West can create an army of hungry undead to eat the teacher’s wrinkly old behind, but things get complicated when the teacher turns out to have hypnotic powers…wait what now?

Wouldn't be a real Lovecraft tale without
some Cthulhu symbolisme, would it now?

Ok, that’s where the movie kinda lost me, hypnotism? I guess it makes the idea sort of interesting, but I personally prefer the route the book took by making West face his own creations and letting his ambitions be his undoing, instead of a pissed off perv with magic powers.
But first, before comparing it to the novel, how does this movie hold on its own? Well, it’s good, great even. The practical effects have that good old 80s campy feel and the characters and their motives are well portrayed, the only problem I have with it it’s that it’s pretty slow, the first half is purely to show how much of a psycho West is and how he manipulates people, and only near the end do the zombies really kick in the door at the plot’s house to ask for their screentime, which is a shame really, but well, that’s to be expected from a movie that was adapted from a novel.
The dialogue isn’t anything special, it’s not bad but it’s probably noting you’ll remember, exept for West screaming “Overdose!” while finishing off a zombie Mortal Kombat style.
But how does this movie hold up in comparison with the novel? Mhe
I guess it follows the overall story okay, a few changes here and there, mainly due to the fact that it was set in the eighties instead of the early 1900, so acquiring a corpse was as easy as walking through a door (I’m not kidding, they have like, zero security at the Arkham university’s morgue), instead of unearthing the dead at the local cemetery  causing the suspicion of the townsfolk like in the novel.
The consequences are also very light in comparison with the novel, in the movie, the worse that happens in the first act is that the cops are slightly questioning West’s motives while holding one of his zombies captive, slowly leading to the attention of the teacher, while in the book one of its creature, a dead boxer beaten to death in a match, escapes and goes on a murderous rampage, before disappearing, and West becomes completely paranoid till the end of his days, increasing his madness that slowly got worse after doing the horrible deeds he did in the name of science.
But the biggest difference between the novel and the adaptation has to be none other than Herbert West himself. In the book, he was described as a quiet and charismatic young man highly talented in science, but still with a slight touch of a sinister plot crawling in the back of his head, he only really began to lose his mind after he tried multiple times to resurrect the dead, and by the end, he was but a mere shell of his former self and was a paranoid self-loathing man who welcomed the sweet embrace of death by its own creations.
The Herbert West of the movie? A complete and utter scumbag who parasites off everyone to achieve his goals. He is as mad as a kite at some points and even supposedly killed his roommate’s cat to experiment on it. He blackmails, lies and walks on everyone through the movie without caring for anything other than his experiments.
Do I think it’s a good thing they changed the iconic Re-animator from the book? Surprisingly, I do. I liked the Herbert West from the novel, but this one is definitely more at home in the movie, more dramatical and sometimes straight up scary. You never know how far he is willing to go to accomplish his goals, or you’re afraid of knowing exactly how far he’ll go. The actor pulls off the smug face and the insanity perfectly, along with all his other little mannerisms to really flesh out this character.
My opinion? Good movie, kinda slow but rewarding, give it a watch if you haven’t already, and while you’re at it, definitely check out “Herbert West-reanimator” by Lovecraft, not his best story but still a really good one.
Lovecrafian fanboyism
Don't leave home without it

What I’ve learned from "Re-animator":
- Instead of slapping someone in the face with a glove the students of Arkham have found another way to challenge each other, constantly breaking off pencils in front of your rival in comedic fashion until he snaps and question your neurological knowledge.
- Talking without a windpipe? Sure, no problem, hell, you don’t even need lungs according to this movie, but since this was also in the book, I guess I have no right to b8tch about it
- Actually, a whole lot about neurology
- Well, never thought they’d top it, but yup, there is a worse rape scene in this movie than the infamous Evil Dead tree rape, this one has a decapitated head 0-0

Personal rating: 7.5/10

Critical rating: 7/10

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Robo-Geisha 2009 Review

Suck it 90’s ‘Tank Girl’, this is the real thing.

Well, about time I review another movie from my favorite country: Japan.  And yes, this movie is weird…Really ass-bugging-Stomp-on-the-face-and-drives-of-a-cliffs-only-to-pop-up-in-front-of-your-window-at-3-am-whispering-something-about-killer-turtles-while-you-only-wanted-a-glass-of-water weird.
Are you afraid? Well, you better be, cause here’s Robo-Geisha
Released in 2009 by Noboru Igushi , this proves my point that japan isn’t just crazy, it’s a new kind of crazy bred in a lab somewhere only to escape in nothing but a yellow mankini and slap people in the face with a dead fish.
Ever wondered what would happen if you mixed ‘The Terminator’ with ‘Memoirs Of A Geisha’ and ‘Godzilla’ and a whole lot of meth? Well, here’s your answer:
An ultra-violent weird and insane trip filled with out of place humor and nonsensical fight scenes between geisha’s and robots, ninja’s, giant robot castles and a nurse…for some reason.

What is this movie really about? Well, these kind of movies often don’t really have much of a story, the humor and value are based more on how much they can get away with. But with Robo-Geisha, there is surprisingly more story than needed. It tells the tale of two sisters, the elder being a geisha and the younger being pretty much Cinderella with major anger issues. Let’s just say they don’t get along, and it doesn’t help that this perfect young guy with a major bank account is more interested in the younger sister, Yoshi (yeah, I know, just roll with it). They both get invited to his company where we learned that he is an evil villain who wants to take over the world with his father and do evil stuff like stomping on puppies and laughing at sick kids and all that evil business.
Thus the two sisters are recruited to his army of cyborg Geisha assassins. And instead of saying:
 “eh, I know you’re pretty much Cruella from the 101 Dalmatian with slightly better hair and a penis and stuff, and I can roll with that, but I’m probably gonna go now because of the serious case of ‘dying’ that everyone in your company has been getting lately”, the two sisters decide to turn the whole thing into a competition, killing as many as possible, getting better upgrades and taking the physical abuse like a boss to eventually become ‘The Very Best’.
Well, the movie decides that this plot is getting old somewhere halfway through and Yoshi gets betrayed by the Asian Ken doll and his company and left for dead at the side of the road. But of course, an older Winry from FMA just happens to pass by and gives her sweet upgrades. Thus Yoshi, now armed with the lower body of a tank and enough fire power to blow up the whole country, decides to open a can of whoop ass of biblical scale on the bad guy’s HQ, which has now become a giant Godzilla robot and who is destroying random building…which are bleeding when destroyed, yeah, I don’t even…

You thought i was kiding, didn't ya?

This movie is simply amazing, not because it’s good or anything, but because it’s so bad, but on purpose , which makes it ok, right?
But all kidding aside, I loved this movie. Never did I find myself bored or not laughing, it managed to hit every single note perfectly, even if hitting said note perfectly required to have some of the worse effects I’ve seen in a while, which in my case only entertained me more.
The intention was to make a movie so ridiculous as possible and I’ll be damned if it isn’t one of the most ridiculous movie I’ve ever seen.
The only thing I can compare it to would be “Panty and Stocking with Gartenbelt”, the humor, pacing and ridiculousness is similar, but Robo-geisha takes it one step further in the ‘weird’ direction. Surprisingly, the story telling is also shockingly similar, teasing us with serious moments and drama, only to slap us in the face with an over the top nonsensical fight scene out of left field, as if the show and the movies were telling us: “yeah, we can to so much better than this, we could actually have a story, but f*ck that noise! Here’s a chick with tank wheels driving on the side of a building while playing a shamisen shooting lasers at a giant walking castle destroying the city”, and it works perfectly.
I spoke of the effects earlier, I think I didn’t do it justice when I said it was some of the worse I’ve seen in a while, cheap CGI bullets and blood that flies everywhere across the screen without rhyme or reason, pretty similar to the “Violent Shit” movies (in case you don’t know any of them, trust me when I say it’s pretty bad and in no way a compliment). The practical effects are over the top and works perfectly for the goofy tone this movie was going for, like some guy with shrimps shoved in his eyes or a man being hit so hard his head retracts back into his torso, you know, all the good stuff.
The dialogue…do I need to say anything else than an example early on in the movie where a man is told an assassin is going to kill his within three minutes:
- “Kill me in three minutes? Three minutes is as much time as you’ve taken a dump but you’ve still got like, faint bits of shit sort of smearing at the toilet, right?
I rest my case.
I don’t know what’s worse, that this movie has everything from butt-shurikens to acid breast milk, or that I was laughing at every single immature joke this movie was throwing at me. Ah well, final verdict? If you like Japanese humor, give it a watch, and if you’re not familiar with Japanese humor, you might want to approaches  this one carefully but I still highly recommend it, only for the sheer ridiculousness and because it might be one of the most random thing you’ll ever see.

Things I’ve learned from ‘Robo-Geisha’:
- Ass-play is taken quite literally in this movie.
- Everyone in this movie went to the same target practice as the Star Wars storm troopers.
- Grandpa be packing heat.
- Ass-swords…really movie? You just had to push it didn’t ya?

Personal rating: 8,5/10

Critical rating: 4,5/10