Friday, March 21, 2014

Body#19 2007 Review

waiter, there's a fetus in my soup...

I've been doing a lot of comedy lately, haven’t I? And although it’s been fun and swell, let’s tear away from this comforting zone to let ourselves be embarked on a terrifying tale.
Actual scary movies are hard to find, believe it or not. And to find one that is both scary and pretty damn good? Yeah…that’s pretty rare.
But here we are, Body#19, released in 2007 by Thai director Paween Purikitpanya. This movie might just be my favorite actual scary horror movie, the first time I saw it, coming across it by accident, I was amazed by the storytelling and twists and turns this masterpiece presented before me. But I’m getting ahead of myself, what’s Body #19, or more commonly known as ‘Body sob 19’ or simply ‘Body’ about?

Chon and his sister, a nurse working at the local hospital, found themselves renting a huge house from an unknown owner. All seems to go well until Chon begins to see questionable things crawling through the house. His sister decides to help him to unearth the mystery behind these strange sightings, but all they find is a name belonging to a woman who used to teach at the hospital. Things go from bad to worse as other people begin to fall prey to this monster that takes the form of a dismembered woman. And telling anything beyond this point would be a waste, because believe me guys, you need to see this movie for yourself.

This movie is incredibly hard to talk about because the plot holds so many mysteries and I really don’t want to spoil the fun for those watching this movie for the first time. You might think you've already got it figured out, the teacher is coming back to take vengeance on all those who wronged her as some sort of curse and Chon just so happens to live in one of the prosecuted future victims house, right? Believe it or not, if you thought something like that, you couldn't be more wrong. This entire movie is a rolled up burrito of mystery and twists till the very last second and you’ll never see them coming.
This movie needs to be seen at least twice to be fully understood, and believe me, the second watch will be a completely new experience. You’ll notice some of the expressions on the characters faces that you at first dismissed as just a little bit off to be a major plot point afterward.
But enough about the magnificent storytelling, how does the movie look? Well, pretty damn amazing, for the most parts. I’ll need to get this out of the way, the ghost/curse/grudge’s face looks…well silly for a lack of better term. Mainly the eyes that seems to be two Ping-Pong balls glued on the actress’s face. But thankfully it’s only visible in a few scenes and only when they use the practical effects, yes believe it or not, the CGI in this movie actually works and looks even better that the practical effects, never thought I’d say that.
But the effects, both practical and computer generated look amazing for such an obscure movie and fit the tone very well.
And is it scary? Well, for once yes, granted it’s not the scariest movie I've ever seen, but it did manage to give me trouble getting some sleep for a few days. That and the overall eerie and confusing tone of the film makes it an experience you won’t forget easily.
Soundtrack wise, there isn't a lot to be said except for one song that is repeated throughout the movie more that I’d cared for, but it does somehow tie in the plot so I’ll make an exception.

Even for its minor flaws, this movie is a must-see for all who can appreciate a good story that’ll keep you guessing and actual scares that work in the movie’s context. I love this movie more and more every time I watch it, and although the first view can be a bit confusing and make the movie seem like a bit of a mess at times, those who will stick with it till the very end will walk out of this movie with a smile on their faces.

Personal rating: 9.8/10

Critical rating: 9/10

Things I've learned from ‘Body#19’:
-Releasing someone from a curse is all about timing.
- Checking under your bed isn't always the safest route.
- Trucks are f8cking crazy.
- they missed a great opportunity in not having one of the museum workers scream “I BE PAKINZ BUTTREFLIES!!”, just saying.
- Also, fetus soup…

The best scare ever, gets you every time

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Zombie Strippers! 2008 Review

Zombie Strippers!
Because there are still people out there wanking to it

Well, time to take a break from nightmares on Elm street and take a look at...stipping zombies. But all is well, I have enough scotch to clear my memory after this and we have a familiar face to lead us through this slightly necrophiliac propaganding  journey, no other than Freddy himself, goddamit Robert Englund, of all the undead joint in all the grindhouse in all the world, he walks into mine.
Well, to be honest, the fact that Robert Englund plays in this movie is one of the two big reasons I picked up this little flick made in 2008, the other would be the name, because honestly, how could I pass on a movie about zombie strippers? Also Jenna Jameson plays in this, here a guilty high five to those who know who she is
And yes, before you even ask, this movie is exactly what you think it is.

In a not too distant future, one where stripping has become illegal. A small group of commando is send out to take care of a laboratory spill that caused the personnel to become brain-hungry zombies. Of course things get out of hand and one of the zombies finds itself in an illegal strip club owned by Freddy Kruger and bites the hell out of one of the strippers.
And then things get weird, I’m not sure how things will go down in the future, but I’m pretty sure necrophilia will still not be the norm, so why in the name of all that is holy, the crowd goes wild when the returned stripper dangles her rotting flesh all over the dance floor , is beyond me. But Freddy sees an opportunity in this and all goes to hell beyond that point. And yes, it gets even weirder.

Ok, let’s get this out of the way, this movie is funny as hell. Sure it can be classified as toilet humor, but what can I say, it works. On the other end of the spectrum however, when did people start to find dancing corpses hot? I mean all right, I wouldn’t be one to kick Jenna Jameson out of bed, but she’s not so hot that I’d pay to see her rotting pieces splatter all over the dance floor.
But for all the fun this movie is in its juvenile humor, I do get the idea that this movie tries to be much deeper than it actually is, or at least that would be the case if I knew anyone’s reasons to do anything in this movie. They try to tackle multiple questions on the duality of men here and there, but it falls flat when you realize they are just quoting Nietzsche every once in a while, and like a joke without a punchline, this just goes on and on until the end of the movie making you wonder if there was a point to all this, and to save you the trouble, no, there isn’t.
And it’s a shame, because I really don’t want to call a movie named ‘Zombie Strippers’ pretentious, but I can’t see the joke, I mean why have the setup by having one character ask questions about the prosecution of weaker woman in this industry by pressurizing them with impossible standards, eventually wondering if men is born evil, just to never either answer those questions or never have a joke that works. So yes, and I hate to be the one to say it, but Zombie Stripper is, maybe unwillingly, pretentious.

For a movie that hopelessly tries to show us the evil of standards and expectations, something you’d expect would interest more woman than men (not being sexist here, just saying) this movie is 75% striptease, something that, more often than not, does not interest the female demographic. So why have all that talk about the pressurizing of woman in the industry? For f8ck squabble diddle doo, and that’s why this movie falls horribly flat in that regard.

Might want to rethink that lapdance...

But back to the point, the effects are unfortunately really poor, and I mean both they look cheap and they are uninteresting. More often than not computer generated blood spatter and wounds that would make the later ‘Violent shit’ movies proud. The small amount of practical effects are slightly better and the props and sets do their jobs nicely. The acting isn't even worth mentioning, seeing as the lead previous acting jobs were such unforgettable classics such as ‘Buttman at Nudes a Poppin' 7’ and ‘Breast Obsessed 3’. Robert Englund, and no matter how much I like him as an actor, didn’t bring his A-game either, he often seemed like he was lost on the set or really waiting for his paycheck, but even then, he did get a few chuckles out of me here and there.

So, final verdict? This movie is a blast, it’s perhaps poorly acted and has more strip scenes than gay undertones in Brokeback Mountain, but it’s funny as hell and will have you laughing all the way with its ridiculous plot.
However, I am speaking as a proud dong-owner here, and I feel that some of the ladies probably won’t be able to sit through so much of Jenna’s exposed…uhum…acting. And thus would find the movie pretty lacking and/or hard to sit through. However if you don’t mind, the humor is still side-aching and it has more memorable quotes and scenes than I could mention.

Personal rating:    7/10

Critical rating:    5.5/10

Things I learned from ‘Zombie Strippers!’:
- Nietzsche does indeed make more sense after you die
- This future might be a bit short of stupid, but at least it’s not ‘Teenage Caveman
- I’ll never look at a billiard ball the same way
- Rhino in a thong might be the worst logo for anything since the RE6 title card
- Foaming Chewbacca…seriously internet?
- and I though the teabag from killer pussy was bad…

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Update January 2014

Hey guys,
sorry for the lack of updates and reviews the past few days, been kinda busy with a whole lot of stuff, mainly trying to find a job and such. so there might be a less reviews than expected the coming weeks, but i do plan to finish all the nightmare on elm street in less than a week when i get some time for myself.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors 1987 Review

Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
Freddy vs the supernatural Glee club

Finally the third installment in the series, Dream Warriors, acclaimed as ‘The perfect nightmare on elm street movie’. With a title as that, how can this movie possibly go wrong? Well, why not take a look at this 1987 meet-up of the dream demon Freddy Kreuger and the mighty Nancy dream Rangers…hold on, that’s not right.

A few years after the murders on Elm street, some teens seem to all share the same dream, and of course, parents, always doing what they do best, make things worse by committing them to a psychological asylum. 
And there they are find themselves like fishes in a barrel for our favorite dream murdering maniac, Freddy Kreuger. But it seems that an old friend has decided to make her comeback to finish what she started years ago, Nancy from the first movie. And after noticing one of the patients seems to have the power to control her dreams, she decide to form a team of dream warriors to finally destroy Freddy.
Warriors ranging from D&D wizards to an eighties idea of‘Bad’…ugh.

Sweet god does this one drive off the silly cliff with the quirkymobile. At first it seems to be all right until the whole ‘Dream ability’ thing comes into play, yeah, that’s a thing now. Apparently all the kids have special dream abilities, like one having super strength , the other being able to do backflips, and can someone call the kid who got the superpower to scream real loud like a girl to tell him he’s been screwed over? He can probably join Mati from Captain Planet and Aquaman in the ‘screwed at the superpowers hand-out club’.
But besides the silliness of the second half which let me remind you all, had a freaking wizard, how does the movie hold up? Well, for lack of a better term, it’s amazing.
I’m serious, the effects are incredible and the acting, although hammy at times, is pretty decent. And holy sh8t, is that Morpheus (Lawrance Fishburn)? This just keeps getting better.
The kids are likable for the most parts, and seeing Nancy again was a nice addition, but the real show stealer remains Robert Englund as Freddy Kreuger, who in this movie more than before, really shines. In the previous movie, especially in the second  one, Freddy just seemed like this uncharacteristic evil force, we knew he was evil, but beside that there was very little to add. But in this movie Freddy has much more of a personality (and a pretty, if not very dark, funny one) and we get to know a little of his backstory, and even though it’s contrived and cliché as all hell, it’s at least a step forward. But while on the subject, we learn about Freddy’s birth and the cruel and brutal circumstances of said event, but the movie blames those events for Freddy’s murderous existence as an adult. So instead of focusing on the big question this movie should be asking, is evil something you’re born with or is it something you come to learn trough traumatic events or taught by others, the movie just glances over it and forgets about it like if it was afraid of what it said. Which is something that really pisses me off with nightmare on Elm street 3.

But well, back on track, if you don’t have a problem with the silliness of the second act, this is probably the best movie in the saga so far. I still personally prefer the first one, but this one is a close second. the main antagonist, Freddy is much more refined and funny in a dark and twisted way. The Effects are amazing and a real treat to look at and its characters are varied and deaths are creative and original. Definitely worth a watch for any horror fan.

Personal Rating: 8.2/10

Critical rating: 8/10

Things I’ve learned from Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors:
- "The Freddy Kreuger" is the new drug sensation sweeping the nation after 'The Charlie Sheen'
- Never thought that the idea of Freddy playing with his puppets could be so wicked
- Even in the eighties, “I’m beautiful…and bad” sounds retarded


Freddy’s kill count: 20

Best kill in this movie: Killer puppeteer

Best kill so far: Killer pupeteer

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Santa Claus conquers the Martians 1964 Review

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Beam me up, Rudolph 

Well, I woke up this morning and realized it had been a while since I talked to my old friend ‘reality’, but when I called that tricky mistress she just reminded me of the massive restraining order she had placed on me ever since I started to review movies, so here’s to the Christmas spirit: “Santa conquers the Martians” …in January.
Yes, I’ll have to apologies once more for my lack of reviews the past weeks, due to pesky family members and their silly traditions and habits, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna watch a movie about Martians kidnapping Santa.
Yes, this little trainwreck of a movie was introduced in 1964, and although the title is slightly misleading, it does involve space travel with the fatmeister himself, Santa Claus.

On Mars (never a good sign when a review starts with these two words) the Martian children are obsessed with earth’s broadcasts and culture, especially around Christmas when the good little boys and girls of earth get all kinds of goodies. The Martian adults are worried for the wellbeing of their children and decide that the best way to deal with this issue is to kidnap the fatman and force him to work on Mars to make toys.

Well, if you manage to read all that without banging your head against any kind of surface, you’ll notice that one, Santa doesn’t really conquers anything (well, technically he does, in a Christmas spirit kind of way), and two, this is in no way a horror/action or anything that I would normally review, but to be fair, I’m gonna make an exception for this one just on the name alone.
But yes, this movie is incredibly silly, but I get the idea that the creators actually meant for it to be a charming family picture, which makes me feel kind of bad for them when this movie had me laughing at just how incredibly bad it is.
At first I was hoping that they would go at it in a comedic angle, so that when they come to earth they pick up a mall Santa and highjinx ensue, but they actually kidnaps the real Santa, and two little annoying brats so the little drool-monsters watching this mess can identify I guess. And the whole world is in an uproar, meaning they knew Santa was real, so is this movie meant for children under the age of four? Well I sure as hell hope not, it’ll scare the living hell out of them when strange men painted green in thigh spandex and silly hats walk in the room with their robot made out of tin foil, oh wait, that’s just me and my very specific and somewhat disturbing phobia.
 But yes, the props and the effects are bad, and when I say that, I mean that the kindergarten plays next door looked more believable. But damn if it isn’t entertaining to watch.
At some point in the movie a guy with a long fur coat and a hat slightly resembling something that might have once been a polar bear costume walks in the set and we’re actually supposed to believe that it’s a bear?
But wait till you see the robot the Martians use to attack the north pole, he came in the night, two bright lights in the distance and walked toward the large papier-mâché rocks in all its cardboard glory as I fell to the floor gasping for air so I could somehow laugh harder. Sweet Jesus, if the props would be an actor, they’d be Tommy Wiseau, so bad it hurts in all the good places. I want to find the guy who made the costumes and hand him an award, because god knows we need the challenged persons to feel good about themselves.
Is Santa Claus Conquers the Martians any good? Oh god no, but that didn’t stop me from having fun. It’s a hidden cult classic that manages to do everything wrong and it’s damn enjoyable to see. You might think it’s strange but I actually do recommend watching it, then again, I like bad movies as long as they can keep me entertain.
So yeah, give it a watch if you come across it and feel bad for the people that actually put money into making this movie.

And merry Christmas guys, thanks for sticking with me and these silly movies.

Personal Rating: 6.5/10

Critical Rating: 2/10

Things I’ve learned from “Santa Claus conquers the Martians”:
- Santa bear is a 'thing' apparently.
- The fact that the Martians didn’t even ponder on the question of how Santa was going to breathe on Mars, let alone not explode smearing giblets of gory joy on the faces of the little Martian children quickly realizing something might be wrong, makes me wonder how the hell they even managed to build a spaceship, although then again, how hard can it be to make one out of  cardboard and tin foil.